“Jack!”
He just stared at her, a dead look in his eye. He knew what her next words would be and he knew they would be right. He didn’t say anything, but clenched his jaw. Melanie shook her head with a warning look in her eye. She knew Jack knew what she was going to say.
Click
Mel clenched her jaw and Jack saw a flame rise in her eye. He knew she felt betrayed at this moment, but he believed he was doing the right thing. He turned his back on her in order to move out of the door, the hard metal object in his hand warming to his touch.
“Jack…”
He stopped, staring at the patterns on the marble floor. There was silence. Jack turned his head to face the side to let Mel know she had his attention, for one of the last times.
Mel clenched her fists and flexed her jaw. Her lip trembled. They knew each other well enough for him to know how this made her feel, she knew that. Her eyebrows furrowed as she struggled to make up her mind. Shout or cry? Neither would help.
She breathed sharply out of her nose.
“One word,” she said through clenched teeth, “Premeditation.”
------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is just the start of a possible story. Anyone got a plot line?
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If I may be so bold ... I don't have a plot line for you, but I DO think these words need to be 'edited' trimmed down to make them more punchy (marketing people would say make them more impactful, but we all KNOW that's ain't a word - nor does it deserve to be, because it's so ugly!)
ReplyDeleteBut I digress, here, I submit an 'edited' version for your consideration:
“Jack!”
But he just stared. He knew what her next words would be, knew they would be right - the hard line of his jaw said as much. Melanie gave the slightest shake of the head, knowing that he knew what she was going to say, but also knowing it had to be said anyway.
Click.
He turned from the door, gripping the hard metal in his hand tighter, feeling it's chill drain his own heat from the tightly clenched hand.
Betrayed. She knew it, but she also knew that he truly believed that what he was about to do was right.
“Jack …”
But he just stared at the patterns on the marble floor, leaving the silence unfilled ...
"One word Jack ..."
At last he looked up, met her eyes - perhaps for the last time.
Mel's lip trembled. They knew each other so well. Shout or cry? Neither would help but this dance had certain steps.
“One word.” she said again ... locking her eyes on his ... “Premeditation.
In some places I've added stuff, in others I've taken it away ... I THINK it's more compelling this way, what do you think?
dC